The Confusion Abounds
by The Sketchywallflowr
Summary: Sequel to 'A Class Act'. It's more of what we love about fanfic- the love triangles, the angst, the jealousy, the 'I Love Lucy'-esq haphazardness. Oh the hijinx that will ensue!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Most everything is property of Joss Whedon and crew. You'll know who is of my own making. 

This is a sequel that,while probably still entertaining, won't be as good unless you've read the first story A Class Act. But I'll try to make it clear what's going on in case you don't feel like reading the first one. Enjoy!

* * *

River tapped on her brother's door politely. "There's a woman on the intercom who wants to speak with the captain," she said. 

The reply that came after a moment was, "Did you check his room for him?" 

She huffed professionally, as teenaged girls can, and rolled her eyes to the door. "Tell him to dress quickly and come to the bridge. It seems important- maybe Alliance." 

Inside the room, Simon's blood froze. "You didn't answer the signal, did you, River?" 

"_No_," she said, her voice dripping with annoyance. "Zoe did. She sent me to get the captain while she stalls. Can you please send him out?" 

Her brother sighed. "Just... go wait by the bridge and see what they want. Out of sight," he added, as though she wouldn't know already. He waited until her footsteps were inauduble, then released the breath he'd been holding. "Guess you're needed," he informed Mal, who was sitting naked on his bed. 

"You reckon?" Mal teased, grinning a self-satisfied grin. "Y'know," he began, pulling on his undergarments, "I don't think you need to be hiding this from your sister. I'm all for people minding their own business and all, but no sense in playing dumb. She knows. Everyone knows. Ain't much to keep covered anymore." 

"I know," the doctor admitted. "It's silly, but it still feels..." 

"Wrong?" 

"No, no, not _wrong_, per se, just..." 

"Completely wrong?" Simon's face fell, and Mal smiled. "Come on, doc, I ain't like Kaylee. You say the wrong thing to me, I ain't gonna walk off in a huff. I know how unnatural this all is. Seems downright eerie sometimes," he admitted. 

"Exactly!" Simon exclaimed, excited that Mal understood. "Not that I don't, ah, enjoy it, because I do, but-" 

"No need to explain. Being with another man, having never been before, just feels strange. Makes enough sense to me." 

"Right. And I don't mind people knowing-" 

"Nor do I-" 

"-but I'd just as soon not discuss it. Especially with my little sister." 

The captain nodded. "Lucky for you, no one really cares to discuss it, except your little sister." He winked at the doctor and snapped his suspenders into place. "Okay doc, best go see what who wants." 

Simon frowned slightly. "Didn't we agree to use actual names in bedrooms?" 

Mal ruffled Simon's too perfect hair. "I'm on duty now, doc." He left the medic to his own devices, feeling rather good about himself. Having been in an intimate situation with Simon for the past few weeks had been awkward and at the same time rewarding. There were some things women just didn't seem to get. A woman wouldn't have understood the need to seperate busieness form personal. Simon, though, could understand that when Mal yelled at him in the infirmary it had nothing to do with what would happen later in the bedroom. There was a comfort in that. 

Zoe looked something close to livid by the time Mal reached the bridge. River was standing just outside the door, listening to whatever conversation had been brewing. He checked out the face on the monitor, realised it was someone he did not recognize, and felt a bit relieved. This woman on screen may have been looking to cause him new problems, but at least she wasn't resurfacing old ones. "Greetings," he said pleasantly to the sour pussed woman who'd signaled him. "I'm Captain Reynolds, I understand you need to speak with me?" 

"Captain Reynolds," she began, her voice taking on an attitude no Earth That Was diva could ever hope to match, "you owe me money." 

He gave a startled laugh. "Money? I'm sorry to be rude, ma'am, but... I ain't never seen you before in my life." 

"No, I imagine you wouldn't have, neither," she spat. "You remember a fella by the name of Tompkins?" 

Mal looked at Zoe, who mirrored his blank stare. Tompkins... Oh, right! Mal remembered him, but vaguely. Elias Tompkins had been a nothing of a man they'd done some dealings with a few months back on Persephone. It'd been a small trade operation- Mal had given Tompkins a few hundred credits for some parts for the ship. Second hand parts, but well kept and so far have proved very reliable. "Yes, I remember the man," Mal told the woman, although he failed to see where it resulted in his owing her anything. "Thin man, sorta nervous. Sold me some parts." 

"That'd be him," the woman agreed. "He's my husband. I keep track of finances, and the amount he turned over for his labor to you don't add up to the amount he said you agreed on!" She looked about ready to punch through the screen and raise all hell in Mal's bridge. 

"That can't be right," Zoe said, mainly to Mal. 

"You calling me a liar!" Mrs. Tompkins challenged. 

"No, it ain't that," Mal said immediately. "It's just... we met Mr. Tompkin's wife on Persephone. And, well... you ain't her." While Elias Tompkins had been a completely forgettable man, his wife, Edith, most certainly was not. She was dark skinned and round, her excess pounds filling out delicious curves that were hugged smartly by a satin wrap dress. In contrast to Elias' grubby pale skin and his weak coffee colored eyes, everything about Edith had been exuberant and vivid. Her cocoa eyes popped, her velvety skin glowed, and her voice was like chocolate milk- creamy and satisfying. Even if Mal's memory of the vixen had been skewed by fantasy, the woman chewing him out on the screen was no comparison to Edith. This woman had brassy hair pulled back tightly into a bun that you could almost hear screaming in pain. Her face, ruddy with anger and probably liquor, seemed to have itself set perpetually on "as unattractive as I can make myself". There was no sparkle in this woman, no pop, and as Jayne would have pointed out had he been in the room, no great rack either. 

"What're you on about?" she snapped. "Of course I'm his wife! Been married near ten years now!" 

"Listen, Edith, there must be-" 

"_Edith?_" she shrieked. "The hell are you talking about? My name is Gertrude!" 

"...Okay... Look, Mrs. Tompkins, I'm not quite sure what's going on here, but let me tell you what I do know. We come down on Persephone a few months back, like you say. We got some parts from your husband Elias, also like you say. Now, here's where it gets tricky, I think. We were introduced by your husband to a woman named Edith, who he said was his wife." 

"Well she sure as hell ain't me!" Gertrude barked.

"No, exactly my point. The woman we met was a dark-skinned lady, about five and a half feet high, dressed real fancy." 

Gertrude's face wrinkled in displeased thought. "I ain't sure where you're going with this," she said dangerously. "Why would Elias lie about this woman being his wife?" 

"I'm sure I don't know," Mal said smoothly, starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. "Seems the both of us have been mislead by your husband. All I know is after meeting Edith, we paid him our 400 credits and went our own ways." 

"Four hundred?" Gertrude asked weakly, her aggressive demeanor snapping like kindling. "That's the amount he said you agreed on, but he didn't turn over not half of that." 

"Says we stiffed you, huh?" Zoe asked. 

"Says you told him you'd leave the rest in town for him and never did." 

"Seems to me," Zoe continued, "he's hiding something from you. Maybe hiding a lot of things. This happen more than once, customer not pay what they said?" 

"Sure," Gertrude admitted. "Elias ain't the brightest man. Real gullible. He-" Her eyes widened, as though a horrific realization overcame her. "He gets conned easy," she finished. "You said his wife's name was Edith?" 

"Yes ma'am," Mal agreed. 

She nodded sadly. "I think I know the woman you mean. Pretty thing, young and fat?" 

"More curves than fat," Mal said, before Zoe had a chance to jab him in his side. "I mean yes," he said quickly. "Dark skinned fatty." 

Gertrude slammed the console in front of her. "That wang ba dan!" she shrieked, all the fire in her coming back blazing. "I can't believe after all these years! Scoundrel!" Her eyes were intense, and both Mal and Zoe were pleased to be nowhere near that woman at the moment. Just seeing her face on the screen was enough to give you the spooks. "I'll get that cheating bastard, you'll see!" Gert declared before snapping off the transmission. 

Zoe and Mal waited in the silence for a moment, then started laughing. "My God," Zoe said through chuckles, "how do we get involved in these things?" 

"Can you imagine," Mal choked, "her spending all that energy trying to find us just to chew me out on conning her husband, when he's been conning her the whole time?" 

"Smart man," River called from the doorway. "Acted a fool to fool everyone." 

"Indeed," Mal agreed, wiping his eyes. "Oh, that ain't right, laughing at her." 

"She almost came through the screen," River said, her voice ominous as usual. "I thought she could touch us." 

"Sure am glad she couldn't," Zoe responded. 

"Kaylee is making soup," River said randomly, drifting out of the bridge like the delicious smells wafting from the dining area could carry her there. 

Mal looked at Zoe again, chuckled, and decided that a big bowl of Kaylee soup (and sharing this story with the rest of the crew) would just make this day better. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All property of Joss Whedon.

* * *

Kaylee had been learning to cook, and nobody had been minding.

Her belly was found and firm, the baby inside almost eight months grown. Joss, as he was affectionately called, liked to kick and tumble while his mama hummed her way through another meal. "The way I see it," she was explaining to Jayne, "is I gotta know how to make good food from nothing. Joss can't eat breast milk forever. Eventually he'll want something to chew on."

"How bout that cute hiney of yours?" Jayne suggested coyly.

Kaylee made a face. "I'm his mother," she said flatly. "And 'sides, you really want your own son lusting after his mama that way? Just ain't natural."

"Not if it's competition for me," he grinned. Jayne was just too damn happy about the whole scene- the pregnant Kaylee (that his superior sperm had knocked up), the having his own woman, the learning to cook. It was just what a man needed. Somehow he'd managed to get everything right, even though he lived his life completely wrong. Kaylee was too good for him and he knew it. "Whatcha making tonight, anyway?"

"Soup," she said plainly, adding a pinch of some kind of mystery spice to a bubbling pot. "Or maybe it's stew. Not sure the difference. Either way, it's mostly protein bits simmered in water with flavor added."

"Sounds good enough for me."

River wafted in, sniffing the air like an intoxicated deer. "Mmm," she purred. "Like boiling satisfaction."

"Glad you like," Kaylee beamed, assuming 'boiled satisfaction' was some kind of compliment. "It'll be done just about soon. You want to go get Forrest?"

"He'll come," River informed her, taking a seat beside Jayne. "He's learning to soar."

A small, mousy-looking boy with straight blonde hair, green eyes and freckles enough for ten people was watching out one of the porthole windows, his eyes wide with fascination. He was watching his father walk on the stars.

Wash stretched his wings gloriously, swimming through the black like it was velvet water. He'd been dead for a year and three months, true enough, but that didn't stop him from enjoying simple pleasures. Especially pleasures he couldn't have enjoyed whilst alive. Right now he was out in deep space with no helmet or suit or anything to keep the air from being sucked from his lung and his eyes from popping into bloody, gooey messes. The fact of the matter was he had no lungs, or true eyes, or need for protection from the vacuum of space. Being an angel had far too many advantages, one of which being he no longer had to concern himself with keeping himself alive.

Looking back at the ship he'd been kept out of heaven to protect, he saw his son watching him and smiling. He smiled back. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the child wasn't his own flesh and blood, and in fact he had never seen the kid until near a year ago, Forrest looked so very much like him. The same colored hair, the same goofy grin. The same knack for handling Serenity's wheel, like the ship was merely an extension of his arm. It made a papa proud. Wash had been lucky to come across Forrest in his doomed little town- he'd always wanted to give Zoe the child she longed for, and now he had. And a spitting image of himself, which made it all the better.

"Hey, you," Zoe said fondly, poking Forrest from his daze. "Supper's almost on."

The little boy pointed out the window. "Daddy's walking in the stars," he told her.

"I see," she smiled, looking out into the black. "He sure is. But unlike you, mister man, daddy don't need to keep himself fed. Dong ma?"

"Okay," Forrest pouted, waving good-bye to daddy before following his adopted mother into the kitchen.

Once everyone had seated themselves around the table, Kaylee ladled the divine concoction into their bowls. "Hope it's okay," she said, almost sounding apologetic. "Not sure how well the protein'll take with the spice, but at least it'll be some good tasting water."

"Broth," River corrected, sipping it gingerly. "Lightly seasoned water is broth. Soups are thinner, lighter. Served as a course. Stew is a meal- heartier, thick, with gravy."

"Ain't no gravy in here," Kaylee assured everyone, taking a seat with a relieved sigh. "Whew- I get tired so easily now."

"That's to be expected," Simon informed her, placing his napkin in his lap. "You are in your thirty fourth week now."

"Almost ready," Zoe said with a smile.

"Hmm," Inara hummed, her voice almost dreamy. "You simply radiate, Kaylee."

Kaylee scoffed. "I better be glowing- I been sweating enough to outshine anything."

The companion chuckled. "I meant an internal radiation. A motherly glow. You certainly have it."

"Can't say I'm not excited about it," Kaylee admitted sheepishly. "Think about it near every day."

"You're getting quite big," Mal observed. His tone was pleasant, but something in his eyes wasn't right. "Doc, you and I need to exchange words later." Simon nodded, his mouth full of soup.

"Words, or orgasms?" River asked, sending the table into peals of laughter. Jayne slapped the table, rattling the dishware.

Mal stared at his new pilot, almost awestruck. "That was pretty funny," he admitted, though begrudgingly. "Hardly expected something so crass coming from you. You're turning into a real smartass, you know that?"

"She tries," River told him honestly. "Sometimes it's hard… she forgets what childhood is like for her. Maybe it's someone else's." Her eyes drifted away from the conversation, and apparently had nothing more to say on the subject.

"Okay," Mal said awkwardly. "Anyway, all discussions on my personal life aside, we got a wave coming from an old pal in a new location. Seems like our good friend Monty has settled himself up on a core planet lately, says there's all manner of work to be had there. So that's where we're headed- one last payload before Kaylee… er, pops."

"Pops?" Kaylee asked, her soup spoon stopping in front of her mouth. "No one told me there'd be 'popping' involved…"

"Relax, Kaylee," Simon assured her. "You won't actually pop. It was a figure of speech."

Relieved, she smacked Mal on the arm. "Don't you be scaring me like that!" she scolded. "I'm jumpy enough about it as it without you making it worse!" Mal rubbed his arm, knowing better than to reprimand her for the assault. "I'll be up all night just thinking about it… 'popping'… like a balloon. Only this balloon explodes my beautiful baby boy."

"A pinata," River said casually. "When the paper mache opens, the prize inside leaks out."

"Ain't no one allowed to whack at Kaylee with sticks," Mal commanded, hoping this would make up for the 'popping' comment. "Anyway, like I was saying, we got a job coming to us soon. I want everyone to focus on it, make sure we run this smooth as can be."

"Then not at all," Jayne said, smirking.

"Well we can sure try," Mal countered.

"So where are we going?" Zoe asked, always the voice of business. "Which of the core planets?"

The captain seemed to hesitate, although his voice indicated no such pause. "Osiris," he said simply.

"What? No!" Simon protested, looking horrified. "Are you insane?? Why would you do that to me??"

"To you?" Mal asked, putting on his 'I'm the captain I'll do what I damn well please' face. "Oh, you mean the getting us work and keeping food in your bellies?" He shook his head, looking ashamed. "Indeed, how could I be so cold?"

"You know what I meant," Simon said, properly chastised. "I can't set foot there. Someone will recognize me, will definitely recognize River."

"Like Mom and Dad," she said quietly. Simon had explained to her how neither of their parents had been willing to help, and as long as she was nowhere near them, River did not miss them. But now they would be so close, so terribly close, and she wasn't sure what she would feel.

"I can understand your not wanting to stir up bad troubles," Mal began, "but chances are we ain't gonna be anywhere near your parents will travel. Or anywhere near any friends of your parents will travel. You ever hear of The Bronx?"

"Scoundrels," River said, remembering what her mother had told her about that dreadful place. The words echoed in her mind perfectly, each syllable in her mother's proper dialect. "Pick your pockets without thinking twice, rape a lady in daylight. Never go there, little River, or be sure as the morning you won't come back whole."

Mal gave everyone the appropriate amount of time to let that little gem sink in before concluding "Yeah, that sounds about right. Only without the rhyme scheme."

"Monty set himself up on a Core planet," Zoe said. "You made it sound like he'd gone high class on us." Her smile was relieved. "I didn't think that sounded like him at all."

"Me neither, 'till he gave me the rundown on his operations."

"And what are those operations?" Jayne wanted to know. "You said there was plenty of work there, so how come he's sharing with us?"

"Because Monty likes us," Mal said, though that wasn't the reason. "And because he needs something to go off planet, and knows we'll do right by him."

"What is it we're moving?" Zoe asked.

"Dunno yet."

"That seems shady," Wash said, startling everyone. Moreso than usual anyway, what with his being dead and all. He was hovering (not in the metaphorical sense, but literally- sitting crossed and floating a few off the floor) by the doorway so as not to interrupt dinner. "He's our friend, he wouldn't want to give us anything too dangerous, right?" Everyone agreed this was so. "So why wouldn't he tell us what we're moving?"

"Don't know," Mal said simply. "Don't need to know. Work is work and like you said, he's a friend."

"Of course," Kaylee assured everyone brightly. "Monty is our friend, and he wouldn't steer us wrong." He smile indicated that there should be no more discussion on Monty's credentials, and there wasn't. Everyone decided to busy themselves again with dinner.

Despite her cheeriness, Mal could tell Kaylee was just as wary of this arrangement as everyone else was, and rightly so. Although he trusted Monty, as much as you could trust out in the black, something did seem mighty off about this deal. Still, Kaylee had made a fine soup and he wasn't gonna spoil it with worry. He smiled at her. She was big and rosy, and even when she worried, she looked beautiful. A happy young mother. It scared Mal absolutely to death.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: All owned by Joss and co.

* * *

"So, doc," Mal said, buttoning up his shirt. "Time for real talk now."

"Yes sir, I can see that, what with my name disappearing from the conversation." Simon smoothed his hair back, pulling the blankets over his body to keep out the chill. "About Kaylee you said, right?"

"Right." Mal got himself all straightened out before continuing. "I was thinking that it might be best if we land for awhile. You know, let her get some rest and all before we head back out."

Simon studied his captain a moment, trying to find whatever it was Mal wasn't saying outright. It was hard, because when he wanted to be, Captain Reynolds could be quite unreadable. "Okay," he said at last, hoping against hope that something would slip against Mal's will. "That sounds fair."

"Might also give us time to… you know… find someone, if the need be."

"Ooohhh…." Simon declared, finally reaching the root of the trouble. "Oh," he said again, more subdued this time. The root of the trouble was quite bad. "You mean find a new mechanic?" Mal nodded. "You're kicking Kaylee off the ship?"

"I didn't say-"

"She's going to be heartbroken, Mal, you know she is. I mean, at the very least you could have given her a bit more warning."

"I ain't gonna kick her off," Mal said defensively. "Don't know if I'll have to. She might decide that being aboard this flying deathtrap ain't worth the life of little Joss." Mal had never referred to Serenity as a 'death trap' before, and you could easily tell he hated saying it even as he did. "Way I figure," he continued, "we give her the option. We land, give her time to heal, let her decide. In the meantime we can keep our eyes peeled for someone else, just in case."

"No one will ever love Serenity like she does," Simon said plainly.

"I know that. But some things are more important, don't you think?"

"Not to you." Mal raised an eyebrow at him. "What I mean is, you give everything for this ship. It's your home, your freedom. Everyone knows Serenity comes first to you. Inara knew it, which I guess is why she never said anything-"

"That ain't the issue at hand," Mal snapped, and shut Simon up. "We're discussing Kaylee, not me. Dong ma?"

"Fine," Simon said. "But she won't want to leave."

"I was thinking we should land at her hometown," Mal continued, as though Simon had never spoken. "You know… I guess so she can be with her parents while she…"

"Pops?" the doctor mused. "I think that's an excellent idea. I know she's been writing them a lot lately, keeping her mom updated on her pregnancy. I think it'd be a nice surprise for everyone."

"Zoe said the same thing."

"Oh… You've already talked to Zoe about this?"

Mal rolled his eyes. "Course I did. You may be my doctor, Tam, but she's my next in command. She outranks you."

"Of course, yes." He tried his best to hide the disappointment in his voice, but it didn't really work.

Mal studied him a bit, rolling the words he was about to say in his mouth for awhile. "Lovers don't get rank, you know," he said finally. "This is a matter that concerns my ship, I talk to Zoe before anyone. When the matters concern my personal life, if appropriate, I'll ask you."

"And what, pray tell, are personal matters that I would have opinions on?"

To that, he did not have an answer. Personal matters to Malcolm Reynolds had always been, well, personal. He hadn't had someone to share such matters with in who knew how long. And usually, if needed be, he'd go to Zoe for that too. But that didn't happen often- mostly because she would just make fun of him. "I don't know," he admitted. "When an issue comes up you'll be the first to hear about it."

"I'm sure I will," Simon agreed, knowing that such an issue may never arise. Mal Reynolds just didn't work that way.

* * *

Kaylee was tickled pink. "I can't wait to get home," she gushed, keeping Jayne awake far longer than he wanted to be. His grumbling wasn't stopping her either. "Mama's gonna be so pleased. And daddy probably can't wait to have a little boy in his family, finally." She smiled wide. "And they're gonna meet you and I know they'll just love you! And you'll love them, you really will. Mama's sweet as peach pie, and daddy…" She thought for a moment about daddy's real reaction to Jayne. "Well, he'll be proud you stood your ground and stuck around for lil Joss. He'll say it shows true character."

"Little Kaylee," Jayne groaned, rolling over to face her, "your grinning is lighting up the whole room. I can't sleep with all this sunshine all over my bunk."

"Well aren't you excited?" she demanded, happy that now he was fully awake enough to be involved in the conversation. "Don't you wanna meet my folks?"

"Sure," he gruffed. "What I'd like more is to sleep right now. We still got that job with Monty tomorrow and I'm bushed."

"I know, I'm sorry."

He studied her sleepily, then smiled. "No, you ain't. You ain't sorry a bit."

"I am a little."

"No you ain't, or you'd hush and let me sleep."

"Sorry," she whispered, touching his shoulder gently. "I'll let you sleep now."

"You sleep too, you know? Doc says you gotta."

"I will." She promised him, but she knew once he was conked out she'd be up for hours just too damn excited to sleep. It'd been years since she'd seen her parents and she couldn't wait to hug her mama and daddy again. Couldn't wait for them to see her big belly, couldn't wait for them to meet Jayne, neither. She knew she'd have a lot of explaining to do- like why she and Jayne weren't getting married- but that would settle itself out in time. Introducing them to Jayne was going to be a bit of a challenge, she knew. But she had a few days to prepare what she needed to say.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Property of Joss and Fox.

* * *

"Are we going to get caught?" River asked for the millionth time that day.

"No, meimei, we're not going to get caught. We've done hundreds of jobs like this before and it's usually gone fine."

"I meant by mom and dad. Are they going to catch us here? Make me go back to that school?"

Simon hugged his sister tightly. "Over my dead body," he said seriously.

"What if they hire assassins?"

He couldn't tell if she were being serious or not, but decided to answer anyway. "Then I have you to protect me, don't I?" His sister nodded. "So no one is taking either of us from the other. Dong ma?"

"But what if-"

"River, they don't even know we're on the planet. They don't even know we're on this ship. No one from back home does. We've been in our rooms all day, and I'm sure the captain hasn't set up signs all over the place telling people where we are. You're worrying too much."

"Perhaps you don't worry enough," she countered, sticking out her tongue for emphasis. Simon chuckled. "Will your boyfriend be back soon?" she asked innocently, although a dervish grin had spread across her lips.

"Would you stop that?" her brother said impatiently, dealing out another round of cards.

"Is that not what he is?"

"No."

"Oh… have you chosen to go separate ways?"

"No."

"Then he is your boyfriend, yes?"

Simon blushed. "_No,_" he said. "It's… complicated. Hush up and pick up your cards."

"Why not call the rose a rose? You are with him, he is with you… he is your boyfriend."

"Would you call Jayne Kaylee's boyfriend?"

River gave him 'the look'. "That's different," she said, indicating it was soooo obvious to someone who wasn't a moron. "He is the father of her child. They are a couple without labels."

"There, ok, fine. So I am a couple without a label."

She shook her head adamantly. "Neither of you are in the family way. You're boyfriends." She thought a moment. "Lovers."

"Violet wild," he said, trying desperately to change the subject. "Dealer takes two."

"You love him, don't you?" Her huge eyes wanted to know, searched her brother's expression for an answer. "So you are lovers."

It was apparent there was no getting out of this one. "Yes," he said quietly. "Will you please take your cards already?"

* * *

"What'd we get?" Wash wanted to know.

Mal, Zoe and Jayne stalked onto the ship looking somewhat pissed. For awhile, no one said anything. It was Zoe who finally broke the tension. "Eggs," she said, as though _that_ explained anything.

"Eggs?" Wash repeated. "You mean like chicken eggs, goose eggs, scrambled, fried?"

"Dinosaur," his wife told him flatly.

"Dinosaur? But aren't they… yeah last I checked they were pretty much all dead."

"Apparently not." She gave Wash a quick hug, then stomped off after Mal and Jayne toward the kitchen.

Wash chased after her, not liking how annoyed everyone looked. "Okay, dinosaur eggs," he reasoned. "That's not such a bad transport, is it? I mean, not unless…" He tucked his rather large angel wings behind him, although they still dragged across the walls and dripped feathers all over. Serenity's hallways were far too cramped. "Unless they're supposed to hatch, right?"

"They ain't real," Mal said crossly, dropping his shoulder holster onto the eating table. "Some sort of chicken-lizard crossbreed."

"Okay," Wash said. "But it's still work, right? Why does everyone look so gorram mad?"

"They got insurance," Jayne snapped, slamming his butt into a chair. The feeble wood creaked threateningly. "Parently Monty's dealing with some kinda circus folk, and they got (finger quotation marks) "genuine dinosaur eggs". Thing is though, they gotta transport these eggs out to the Rim, place called New Glory. But the circus ship don't trust itself to take 'em safely, so they're hiring us to do it. But they won't give us the job unless we agree to the insurance arrangement."

"Which is?"

"We break one damn egg we get no pay!" He slammed his fist down angrily. It seemed Mr. Cobb was out to bust some furniture, as the table groaned unappreciatively.

"Apparently they're damn fragile things," Zoe said shortly. "Jilt 'em just a little and they crack. Once they crack, whatever's inside dies."

"Simon, get up here," Mal yelled into the intercom. "Hell, everyone get up here."

Zoe continued without pause. "So we're supposed to take these two dozen extremely fragile eggs onto a cargo ship, expect them not to jolt, and if one of them breaks we lose all pay."

"Not only that," Mal chimed in, "we have to pay for the damage."

"Well," Wash said as the footfalls of the rest of the crew echoed in the hall, "that sounds like no deal. We can't possibly comply to all that."

"Oh, it gets better," Mal assured him. "Say doc, do you know a Melvin Greenburg?"

Simon took a chair beside Jayne, being much kinder to it than the merc had. "Melvin Greenburg? Let me think… yes, I think I do. A young man, probably twenty at the most. Dark brown hair, green eyes? Freckles? Looks kind of sickly?"

"That's the one," Mal agreed, "although he's looking less sickly by now and more, well… unsickly."

"My first kiss," River said quietly, blushing from the memory.

"What?" her brother asked, more shocked than angry. "Really? He's so much older than you."

"Only a few years. It was dangerous." Simon snickered, as River might be the only person alive who would ever refer to Melvin Greenburg as 'dangerous'.

"Yeah, well I'm glad y'all love him so much, cuz he's coming aboard."

The color flooded from Simon's face. "What?"

As Mal went on to explain the eggs, and the insurance, and how infuriatingly impossible this job seemed to be, he added that the circus folk demanded one of their own to go with the eggs to make sure they were properly cared for- got enough heat, enough moisture and the like. They had taken a young med student into their caravan, and that student was the one and only Melvin Greenburg.

"He'll tell on us!" River cried out. "He'll tattle to mom and dad!"

"We ain't decided if we're taking the job or not," Mal assured her. "No need to go on a crazy rampage just yet. Figured I'd ask you and your brother about it first."

"I don't know," Simon said. "We can't just stay in our rooms for the next week, and I truly don't like the idea of seeing someone from home. How would I explain all this?"

"This what?" Kaylee asked. "You mean how you ended up on a firefly? What, you ashamed of Serenity now?"

"No," he said patiently, knowing he was probably getting into a fight no matter what he said next. "Well, the ship is part of it. I was thinking more about the whole 'number one enemy of the Alliance', and disappearing for over a year now."

"Two years, one month, seventeen days," River corrected him.

"No, that was since I got you from the school. I was gone a few weeks before then, so it'd be two years, two months, and three days. Or maybe four."

"Who cares?" Jayne said plainly. "Are we taking this job or not?"

"That's for you all to help decide," Mal said. "We all know the risks, but here's the benefit- if we can do this, job pays a great big chunk of change. Might make it worth our while."

"How big is this chunk of change?" Kaylee asked.

The captain paused for dramatic emphasis, mostly because he didn't think he'd ever be referring to this number again in front of his crew. "Half a million credits."

Everyone was dumbstruck. Most of them (well, actually everyone but Inara and the Tams) had been unaware there had been that much money in the universe, let alone just that much for one job. The amount hung in the air like a cloud for everyone to see. Each person imagined what they could do with their share. The possibilities were almost endless.

"You okay, Kaylee?" Simon asked, breaking the silence. "Sometimes big shocks can induce labor, I just wanted to make sure-"

"No no, we're good," she assured him. "Think Joss is too stunned to move right now." Her eyes were wide, staring blankly at Mal.

"Half a million," Zoe confirmed, though she too was still in shock.

"Wow," Wash chimed in. "Guess I see now why you all were so pissed. That's quite a lot of coin to turn down or lose."

"Right," Mal agreed. "So, the big question, and we only have two hours to decide- do we take this job or not?"

Everyone had to think it over. Was good money to be had, there was no doubt, but was it worth the risk? "How likely is it the eggs will break?" Simon asked.

"Oh, very," Mal assured him. "They almost guaranteed it."

"Do you have the agreement in writing?" Inara asked.

Mal quirked an eyebrow. "In writing? Not as such. Why?"

"Sounds like a scam," she said simply. "They have precious cargo that's almost guaranteed to break. In the agreement, if anything does break, you not only lose all pay but you have to compensate for the damages. Sounds to me like they're looking to transport as many as they can for free. Making you think you lost your own deal just makes it easier for them to scam you."

"Sounds reasonable," Zoe said. "You think they even have half a million?"

"I very much doubt it. They put a high price on it so you think you're getting a deal, so you will try hard as you can to keep the cargo safe. But they know it won't work. And sending one of their own may insure that something goes wrong no matter how careful you are about it."

"So we don't take the job, then."

"No, no," Inara said. "Take it."

"But you just said it was a scam," Mal interrupted. "I don't like being scammed."

"They expect you to store their precious cargo on your clunky old ship where who knows how much can go wrong."

"Right."

Inara smiled. "Get the agreement in writing. They'll understand. It is a lot of money that most people- especially those bound for the Rim- don't have. Tell them you will take the job, and if they must, let them send along their man."

"But River and I-"

"You won't have to worry about it at all, Simon," she assured him. "He won't be on Serenity more than five minutes."


	5. Chapter 5

Melvin Greenburg, with the air of importance only the unimportant can muster, stepped aboard Serenity with his nose high and his spectacles polished. "This is the cargo area?" he said haughtily.

"Yep," Mal told him easily, slamming the door behind him. Melvin jumped a little. "We can carry any amount of pretty much anything."

"Fascinating," Melvin said, not meaning it whatsoever. "However, it seems a bit big for our purposes. Remember, not one of these eggs can crack, or you violate the terms of agreement."

"Oh, don't you worry about that," the captain grinned. He pushed the intercom button. "We're ready for takeoff." Still smiling, he carefully slung an arm around Melvin's shoulders and guided him up the stairs. "Trust me, doc, we've got your merchandise nice and secure."

"Do you?" Melvin looked back over his shoulder, scanning the cargo area quickly for the green trunk that harvested the eggs. "Where?"

"Oh, it ain't out here!" Mal declared. "You think we'd leave something so precious out in the clunky old cargo?"

"You… didn't?" Melvin's face took on a strange color then- it was somewhere between green and blue.

The ship jolted, and River smoothly took her into orbit. By now Captain Reynolds had led his guest up the stairs and ended in front of Inara's shuttle. He rapped his knuckle on the doorframe. "Permission to enter?" he asked still grinning that grin that was quickly unnerving poor Melvin.

The smooth voice from inside seemed surprised. "You're actually asking? I may die of shock." The companion pulled back the curtains and stepped aside, allowing her guests to enter.

"Y-you're a companion?" Melvin asked.

"Yes," she said simply.

He looked frantically at Mal. "What exactly is going on here?"

Mal looked at Inara, and they both started laughing. "No, no," Mal assured him, "it's not what you think. You're not here for servicing."

"I should hope not."

Mal quirked an eyebrow. "Ah, you prefer the men folk, then? All the same to me," he shrugged, making Melvin blush and stammer a bit. "No, Inara is holding your cargo for you."

Melvin looked around the small, cozy shuttle, and his heart fell into his feet. "In here?" he asked weakly.

"Like I said," Mal reminded him, "we wouldn't want to leave your precious package in the clunky old cargo bay." He winked at Melvin, then let the curtain fall between them.

"Would you like to sit?" Inara offered, gesturing toward her couch.

Melvin sat, looking around. "This room is lovely," he said, taking note of all the nice, padded furniture and tight, secure spaces in it. This deal was getting more and more sour by the minute.

"Thank you," Inara said sweetly, pulling back another curtain and seating herself behind the steering column. "Forrest," he said firmly into the intercom, "am I clear?"

A young, shy voice answered back. "All clear, Miss Inara. You can take off."

"T-take off?" Melvin stammered.

"This shuttle will be flying separately from the ship," she informed him airily. "To ensure your cargo goes unharmed."

Melvin swallowed. "How kind," he said weakly. It had seemed like such a foolproof plan- get a desperate ship to take on an impossible job, and get free transport. How could it have all gone so wrong?

* * *

Everything had gone so smoothly. Inara's shuttle had flown close to Serenity for the past week, and sure enough every egg was returned to the circus folk on New Glory in perfect condition. Mal had delivered the trunk with such a smug grin of satisfaction on his face he thought the circus folk might burst into flames.

The ringmaster, a shifty looking man with a horrible mustache (one that looked like Monty's old one, actually), inspected the eggs, smiled wryly, then pulled a bag from his coat pocket. "Five thousand," he said.

"The hell?!" Jayne shouted.

"Excuse me?" Mal asked, his grin suddenly disappearing. "That ain't nowhere near what we agreed on. In writing. Remember that handy little contract we got? The one you signed?"

"Oh, I remember," the ringmaster assured him. "However, the agreement was that _you_ would handle and deliver my goods, not your shuttle."

Mal made a face. "The terms were that the crew of Serenity would handle and deliver. Inara's my crew, therefore we're in the clear. You have to pay up."

"And what function does this companion serve on your crew?" he asked, sneering. "What kind of… _services_ does she offer?"

Mal frowned so hard his face was in danger of caving in. "You're walking a fine line," he warned the ringmaster. "We have run by your terms, you owe us half a million cred. Now you either pay that up, or we've got ourselves a problem."

"Why don't you go to the authorities about it?"

"I'm the only authority you need worry about!" Jayne snapped, reaching for his Sig Sauer. Mal held out a hand to stop him, though truth be told if Jayne had shot him, Mal wouldn't have complained.

The ringmaster smirked, knowing Mal could and would not go to the authorities about this matter. There were too many prices on Serenity's head for that. "The way I see it," he continued, "that companion of yours is renting the shuttle, so she cannot be crew because none of your other crew members pay for their rooms. Therefore, the crew of Serenity did not transport my goods. But I'm willing to be lenient, since all of my cargo did arrive safely." He pulled another large wad of bills from his pocket. "Twenty thousand," he said, clipping all the money together and tossing it at Mal's feet. "Make sure you get that to your companion."

"You son of a-"

"Jayne!" Mal said sharply. "It's fine. We'll see that Inara gets this." He picked up the money, counted it quickly, then pocketed it. "Guess you sure got us," he told the ringmaster, who was smiling as smug as a man ever could. "Soon as we put that trunk there on the shuttle, our contract was null and void, huh?"

"I've had every trick in the book played on me," the ringmaster told him. "There was no way you could have outsmarted me."

Mal smiled. "Guess that's so." He gave a quick nod to Melvin, who was watching the scene with the most disgusting look of pride on his face. Mal wanted to punch the kid right in the head. Instead, he took a step forward and kicked the green trunk (holding the priceless, guaranteed-to-break eggs inside) as hard as he possibly could. The silence that followed, and the look on the circus folk's faces, was worth a hell of a lot more than half a million cred. Well, almost. "Nice doing business with you," Mal grinned before he strutted back to his ship.

* * *

"Those lying little no good-"

"Kaylee," Inara said soothingly, "Joss can feel negative energy coming from you."

"He can?" she asked, looking down at her tummy. "I'm sorry, little one."

"I always said circus folk was the rottenest bunch ever lived," Jayne grumbled as he stabbed a dinner roll with his fork.

"Gotta admit, though," Zoe said while she cut up Forrest's food, "watching their faces as you ruined their main attraction was sure therapeutic."

"Yeah," Mal chuckled, "I was pretty proud of myself for that."

"Serves them right," Inara huffed. "Running a scam like that. This isn't the first time, either. Melvin told me all about previous carriers they'd had. He never outright said they were conning people, but it was more than obvious."

"He's changed," River decided. She'd spent the past few hours since Mal, Zoe and Jayne's return trying to figure out how the first person she'd ever kissed could become so awful and greedy. Didn't she have better taste than that?

"So, cap'n," Kaylee said, beaming, "now that this job is done, how long 'till we get to my folks' place?"

"Few days," he told her coolly, because he knew it would make her bother him on specifics. And he'd never admit to it, but he loved it when Kaylee bothered him.

"How many few days?"

"Oh, I'd say five, six, maybe a week."

"Four," Forrest said, matter-of-factly. "Three, if we don't worry too much on gas."

"And who told you this?" Mal asked, as if he didn't already know.

"Daddy."

"Hm." He chewed his protein meal, thinking. "Teach him to fly," he called out to Wash, who was probably flying out in the black or hovering around or something and probably couldn't hear him anyway. "Don't teach him to question me."

"I promised to teach him everything I know," a voice called from down the hallway. "That includes smartassery."

Mal looked at Zoe. "Your husband's fired," he said seriously.

"Come on, sir," she told him flatly. "It didn't stick when he died, and it won't stick now."

"For God's sake," Jayne grumbled, "would ya quit bouncing around like that?"

"I'm excited!" Kaylee told him gleefully. "And nervous. Y'all are gonna meet my folks, and I'm gonna have a baby. Don't that excite you any, Jayne."

"Hm."

She made a face. "Don't grunt at me. This little guy is part you and part me. I ain't even seen him and I already love him to pieces." She rubbed her belly, then kissed Jayne's shoulder. "You gonna love him, too?"

All eyes went to Jayne, waiting for a response. Jayne Cobb was not a man who went gaga over babies, but Kaylee would accept nothing less than absolute devotion from him. The crew was waiting for Jayne to stick his foot in his mouth. But apparently, he'd already had an answer prepared. "Tell you what," he said to Kaylee. "I'll love him 'till he starts screamin'."

"Jayne, he's gonna scream the second he comes out."

He shrugged, glancing down at her tummy. "Hey, I warned you, buddy."

Kaylee grinned and gave him a sideways hug. "You just talked to your baby," she cooed. "You already love him."

"Ah, God," he groaned, reluctantly letting Kaylee pour her mushy love all over him. "I can't take much more of this happy mommy crap."


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Second verse, same as the first. None of 'em are mine and the drama gets worse!

Also, thanks to everyone who still reads and reviews. I know as an author I pretty much failed. I hope that what comes next makes up for the great absence. 3 Sketchy

* * *

It was very difficult getting Kaylee to sit still while Wash and Forrest pulled Serenity in to land on her home planet. She bounced her legs and fidgeted like mad, almost jumping off the ramp as it lowered. Before anyone else had caught up she was taking off like a shot, moving as fast as her shirt legs and huge belly would allow. A woman in a dusty pair of overalls was running up the dirt road toward the ship, the widest and brightest smile on her tanned face. She glowed bright as the sun, and not one person aboard the ship doubted for a moment this was Kaylee's ma.

"Mama!" the mechanic hollered, hugging the woman tightly around her baby bump. The two women were hugging and crying and chattering so fast they sounded like weepy squirrels. The rest of the crew deboarded a bit more calmly, Jayne hanging toward the back of the group. Not that he was nervous, no. He just wasn't eager to set foot on another dust covered planet where you had to scrounge for your meals. Jayne had always been more comfortable on Core planets. Preferred order and civilization.

"Nervous?" Simon asked, the only person who had left the ship behind Jayne. The merc turned to the doc, a stony look on his face. He didn't reply, but grunted shortly. Simon frowned at him, pleased as always by the man's conversation skills. "You can't possibly be more nervous than I am."

"I knocked her up," Jayne snorted.

"I left her," Simon replied softly. "I broke her heart."

The doctor had a good point, which made Jayne smirk. "Yeah," he said, getting a little spring in his step. At least he was sticking around, seeing this baby thing through. And Kaylee had said her parents would like him, and she would know better than he would anyway. They were her folks after all. The merc walked over toward Kaylee, who was still chattering like mad with her mama. He stood unnoticed a solid few minutes, looking over his shoulder at the rest of the crew who stood watching, most of them laughing.

"Oh, mama!" Kaylee declared, seeming to remember that she had seven other people standing idle. "You have to meet my crew! This here's Cap'n Mal, and Zoe, and that there's River and Forrest, our young'ns, and there's Simon our doc and 'Nara, and this..." She stepped close to Jayne, hooking her arm through his, "is Jayne. Joss' daddy." She grinned, seeming happier then anything that Jayne was the father of her child. Jayne seemed more dubious then pleased about it all.

Kaylee's mom gave Jayne a once-over, squinting at him before the smile crossed her features again. "Hello, Jayne!" she delcared, pulling him into a tight and suprisingly strong hug. She was a short woman, but she had arms like a bear. The merc was pretty certain he felt a rib pop. "Kaylee's been gushing 'bout you for months now, says you're a real stand-up guy." Taking his shoulders, Mrs. Frye looked him over properly, eventually nodding as though deciding that he'd do. "Come on in the house, all of you! I have a stew on the stove that's been simmering all day and if I keep Papa from it any longer he'll waste into nothin!"

As though having known he'd be talked about, Mr. Frye came strolling up the dirt pathway, wiping his hands on a greasy rag. He had a hard look about him, the kind of man that was always thinking and rarely talking. His crisp blue eyes were sharp, looking over Jayne like a hawk on its prey. The merc didnt like fluffy baby cooing and crap, but he liked being sized up even less. His own eyes scanned Kaylee's father, a silent battle passing between them. Mr. Frye outstretched his hand. "You must be Jayne," he said, almost tersely, shaking the merc's hand firmly. There were a hundred words passing between the two men, none of them pleasant.

"Daddy!" Kaylee squealed, throwing her arms around his neck. Either she was totally oblivious to the testosterone battle or she was simply ignoring it. "Daddy this is my crew!" She went through the introductions again, pointing them out one by one. Her father nodded a greeting to all of them. Every one except Simon. With Simon he walked right up to the medic, who shrank a little under his gaze.

"So," he said firmly, "you're the doctor who broke my girl's heart?"

"Daddy!" Kaylee scolded, embarassed but not knowing what she could do about it. Daddy Frye got his way, end of story. Even Kaylee's mama, who looked totally embarassed, simply bit her bottom lip and looked at Simon apologetically.

Straightening himself, the doctor held the man's gaze, even though he really just wanted to take off at a run in the opposite direction. "I didn't mean to hurt your daughter," he said, trying to sound confident but his meek voice betrayed him.

Papa Frye snorted, clearly not buying it. "You boys from the Core, think it's all fun with girls like Kaylee. Like they ain't got feelings you can crush."

"No, sir, I never-"

"So why ain't my daughter good enough for you?"

"_Daddy_!"

"Answer me, doctor."

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Simon gestured with his hands as though that would make a brilliant explaination pop out of his mouth. "Kaylee is wonderful, sir. And she's been a very good friend to me, b-but... she and I, we... just didn't fit." He couldn't tell the man it was just sexual tension between him and Kaylee, that would be suicide.

"Why not?" There was nothing wrong with Kaylee, in fact this damn doctor would have been lucky to have a girl like her. Mr. Frye knew his little girl was no angel, as her current condition indicated, but if Simon had just used his daughter for relief of his nether regions, he would be parting with them right soon. Kaylee had loved this man dearly, and no one got away with hurting Papa Frye's baby girl.

"Because..." Licking his lips, Simon glanced over at Mal, who seemed more tense then the doctor had ever seen him. Simon wished he's say something, wished someone might say something, anything to end this awful moment. "Because I fell in love with someone else."

The silence that hung in the air was incredible, almost having a weight of its own. Everyone looked between one another, varying degrees of concern, shock and confusion on their faces. All except Simon, who was staring at Kaylee's father (who was staring back at him) and Mal, whose jaw was set and his eyes staring hard at his doctor. Mr. Frye leaned closer to Simon, mullling this new piece of information over. "Who?" he asked.

"Zoe." The name just came out, no thought behind it, not even a brief check with the brain to make sure it was allowed to be said. Just came out, and there was no turning back now.

Papa Frye looked over at Zoe, who was doing her damndest not to seem completely stunned by this startling revelation. She would more then likely destroy Simon later. Brow furrowed, he nodded curtly at her, stepping away from the near trembling doctor. "Let's eat," he said simply, taking Kaylee by the hand and leading her back toward the house. Almost immediately she began chatting again, putting a hand on her belly and telling her father about all the funny things Joss did while still inside her. Mrs. Frye waved everyone else along, taking Jayne's arm and walking with him. Everyone else began to follow suit, and it would be easy to believe that the tense moment that had passed never happened. Unless, of course, you looked at Mal's face.

Lagging behind everyone else, Simon fell in step with the captain, who was looking dead ahead. "Mal," Simon began, speaking low.

"Captain," Mal instantly corrected.

Captain. Great. So that's how this was going to be. "I didn't... I didn't know what else to say."

" 'Nothing' leaps to mind."

"Well I couldn't say nothing, I had to tell him something. And that was the first name that came to mind, I just-"

"This might be a conversation you best be having with your new lady love, don't you think?"

"Mal," he said, almost pleading, "don't take it like that..."

"Doc, I don't care, ok? You do whatever it is you feel you gotta do here. I'll go about my business and you'll go about yours." _End of discussion._

"But this is your business. I couldn't... how could I tell him I left his daughter for a _man_?"

"You didn't," Mal said sharply. "You just left his daughter. Though to be in the right, you weren't with her to begin with, so..."

"Mal-"

"C_aptain."_

"Captain." Simon spat the word as though it burned his tongue. "If Kaylee did't tell them... how could I?"

Mal knew the hundred and one reasons Kaylee hadn't told her parents Simon was working on the sly now. For one, men like that weren't looked kindly upon in the outer planets. For another, her father hardly seemed the type to have any desire to deal with Core men at all, let alone soft Core men. And finally, maybe most importantly, it probably embarassed the hell out of her to have to admit that someone she'd fallen so hard for was not with a man. But all these reasons did not excuse the startling realization Simon had blabbed out in front of everyone. "You coulda let me in on the secret, you know."

"I told you, Zoe's name was the first one I thought of, I didn't-"

"That ain't the one I'm talking about." He glared sideways at Simon, picking up his pace.

It took Simon a moment to understand the captain's meaning, what with his thoughts laden with confusion and fear of Zoe killing him later, and guilt about looking ashamed about his relationship with Mal (which he wasn't, or not totally). Eventually he got it though, the epiphone striking him hard. He had just told everyone in the crew that he had fallen in love with someone. The subject had never been broached before, and now everyone knew. The whole damn ship knew. He was a complete idiot.


End file.
